Question:
How many honest-to-god MONSTER TRUCKS do you pull up next to when picking your first-grader up from school? And when I say “honest-to-god MONSTER TRUCKS”, I mean 1.) the wheels are taller than my 5′2″ frame, & 2.) the wheels are taller than my 5′2″ frame.
I’ll tell you how many I pull up next to next Wednesday.
I have a sickness.
I love cradle-cap. I adore boogers. I crave the milk crust that can collect behind the ears. I swoon for toe goo. I am a fan of infant neck cheese. And I can’t resist bits of ear wax.
When the kids were itty-bitties, I would say, “God must love me. A child with cradle-cap! I have been blessed!!” I considered it time well-spent if I had ”worked” on the scalp that day. I also took great pleasure in scooping out the neck cheese after a particularly messy feeding. Milk crust behind the ears is something I still get to enjoy as my 13 month old still suffers from the crust. I look forward to clipping fingernails and toe nails … offering me a chance to dig the jam out from between their toes. Yes, I still attack my seven-year-old, poor guy! Boogers offer me particular pleasure as I get to utilize my favorite grooming accessory, the cotton swab. Almost nothing gives me such satisfaction as my successful extraction of a ball of slime, or a particularly challenging set of wicker furniture of the nostrils. But the thing that will have me committed is my obsession with ear wax. I specifically leave my pinkie fingernail a bit longer so that I can dig out the stubborn flecks caught in the ear hairs. [I believe this can be traced back to my junior high school band director. May the gods bless his genius ... but man, as first-chair clarinet, I had to spend a lot of time checkin' out his ear gunkus. A.LOT. Yick.] And here’s the kicker … I don’t stop at the kids. Yep. I attack my poor husband. Go ahead, puke in your mouth a little bit. Even I shake my head and ask aloud, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS CHICK??”
I am a gorilla. Next thing you know, I’ll turn my face to the heavens and ask for head-lice so I can mess with the nits …
Let’s hope not.
